I am pleased to announce a new certification course, offered directly by me:
The Certified ALT.NET Technician (CANT) training course
As the great composer Burt Bacharach sings:
What the world needs now, is certs, more certs
For such a valuable certification, you can expect to pay a low, low price of several thousand dollars for the privilege of an audience with yours truly for 45 minutes, during one of my lunch breaks. Word of warning: I tend to be late, as the autograph seekers are never sated. After this course, you will say “Yes I CANT!”
But why another certification? Perhaps you didn’t listen to my friend Burt earlier. Agile is already
diluted clarified with the Scrum certifications like:
- Certified ScrumMaster
- Certified Scrum Product Owner
- Certified Scrum Practitioner
- Certified Scrum Coach
- Certified Scrum Trainer
- Certified Scrum Lord
- Certified Scrum Healer
- Certified Scrum Paladin
Microsoft has offered their esteemed and renowned certifications for quite awhile now, why should the ALT.NET folks be left out of the mix? Honestly, we’ve run out of ways to charge higher consulting fees. A certification is just the trick to bring our community into the ThoughtWorks realm of consultant rates.
First, down to business. Let’s look at what amazing amount of knowledge this almost hour of instruction will give you.
Normal technical certifications deal with such worthless endeavors as learning a new technology, new processes or new tools. We have a far more useful goal not of learning ALT.NET principles, tools and practices, but rather learning about ALT.NET itself. You can’t fully embrace a community without learning the rich and storied history of that community itself.
Session 1: ALT.NET history
Contrary to popular belief, ALT.NET started in the jungles of Cambodia, as an elite cadre of trained assassins, bent on world domination and the perfect cup of tea. Although Chuck Norris severely crippled the ALT.NET community in his illegal but chilling documentary: Braddock: Missing in Action III, our leaders went deep underground to plot their next move.
That next move was, ironically, a popular uprising against traditional drag and drop development in the mid 2007′s. It is still believed the exorbitant consultant fees will be used in an elaborate plot to re-kidnap Colonel Braddock, as he’s skipped the past 18 years of latrine duty in his old prison camp.
By attending this course, you will be on the ground floor of the diabolical planning, probably used to be Sentry Guard #14 that meets a grisly end from Chuck’s blinding roundhouse kick.
Session 2: ALT.NET Celebs
You can’t talk about ALT.NET without the requisite name-dropping associated with elitist communities. Far more than who you are and what you do, you’ll be judged on how often you mention other ALT.NET celebrities, preferably through regaling with hilarious anecdotes that will leave your fellow coworkers jealous and awestruck.
We’ll introduce you to various ALT.NET luminaries such as:
Scott Bellware, the Godfather of ALT.NET. Knowing Scott is key, because love him or hate him, you will agree with him. Or your CANT card will be torn up, with great ceremony, in the presence of your parents, loved ones, and close friends. On another note, if you do have the extreme privilege to meet Scott, watch out for Azrael. It tends to bite, especially if you’re wearing predominantly blue.
Dave Laribee, shown above in his favorite attire and native habitat, is another ALT.NET dignitary that you must count among your friends. Unless you’ve played Metastones with the Dave Laribee, you haven’t lived. Dave is also known for his extensive tchotchke collection, including an impressive bevy of bottle caps from around the world. Dave likes to display his collection neatly stacked in his work cubicle. Dave is also deaf to the snickers of his fellow coworkers.
Bil Simser is the self-chosen ALT.NET representative from our wonderful but envious neighbors to the North, Canada. Bil enjoys endless Canada jokes and impressions, and never tires of questions about Mounties, polar bears and the Iditarod. But mostly, Bil loves bad Canadian impressions, especially when they start to bleed over into Australian and Kiwi accents. We’ve generously allowed Bil to join our community, as technology like computers, the Internet, and modern plumbing have not made their way yet to the Great White North.
Martin Fowler, mystic, psychic, alchemist, author, supporter of the arts, and wicked Hungry Hungry Hippos opponent. A general supporter of ALT.NET, but to be a CANT, you must have at least 4 of the Fowler signature series books prominently displayed wherever you may or may not code. In fact, it’s better if you buy a large satchel to carry these sacred tomes, to reference in the likely event a fellow programmer asks for advice. Which then you must reply, “Well Martin Fowler states that…”, followed by a verbatim recitation of previously memorized passages. These passages don’t have to actually relate to the question, as long as they are from a Fowler book.
These are just a few of the ALT.NET celebrities whose exploits, personalities and personal phone numbers I’ll share with you.
Session 3: Smugness training
Admission and certification to our egalitarian ALT.NET society cannot be complete without some sound smugness training and practice. Our exercises will include:
- Neck strengthening and flexibility training, to better look down your noses on the hoi polloi of the .NET community
- Introduction into other smug personas, such as vegans, environmentalists, and Bostonians
- Gentle reminders that you’re supporting Big Oil with that gas-guzzling Civic. How about a Prius mmmmkay?
- Wearing trendy clothes and hats, such as a nice bowler
- Five dollar gift card to Whole Foods, because you’re going organic.
Smugness training strengthens the illusion of superiority that all ALT.NET’ers thrive on. Without this air of superiority, you’ll quickly slide into a pattern of self-doubt and self-loathing, and the rest of the community can’t survive with fellow members still questioning and searching for better ways of writing software. We’ve already found it, so there’s no need to keep learning.
Yes you CANT!
Join the rest of the obviously superior ALT.NET community, by meeting me at our local Arby’s and bringing a signed blank check for the nominal CANT fee, amount to be determined at the end of the course. As a Certified ALT.NET Technician, you can expect to see 50-75% increases in consultant rates, speaker invitations, book deals, and naturally, a legion of fellow developers desperately clinging to your coattails. Because if you’re not a CANT, you’re just another .NET developer.